Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Pain in Tomorrow

I already warned you, and in case you didn’t read the warning see it now (first blog post), that some things that will come up in this blog might be depressing. This post just might end up that way.

I remember a time when tomorrow was filled with excitement. It wasn’t all that long ago. Just shy of three months now, (God has it really been that long?). When tomorrow meant picking paint colors, turning in loan papers and spending time snuggled up on the couch or in bed watching My Name is Earl and King of the Hill reruns. But that was before November 15th. Before the accident. Before my life was shattered.

I recall standing by the grave and saying I wanted no more tomorrows. There just would never be a happy day without him. Not tomorrow.

But that was a lot of yesterday’s ago. Too many and yet there are still too many to come. I try not to think of where I’m supposed to be, in a trailer on a nice little lot in Hadley Landing down by Fowler Lake and just off the Illinois River. I try not to think that I wouldn’t be up writing this right now but I would be curled up next to him, engagement ring on my hand. I try not to think about how happy I’m supposed to be.

This weekend while standing in the local bar and having a blue moment a friend wrapped her arm around me and said “You know what I told you. We just think about today and pray for tomorrow.”
It sounds simple enough. Don’t think ahead, as I have been trying so hard not to do, just live for the moment and pray for the next. That’s the only way to get through when you got to dig in your heels and level off with the world.
Things have started to even back out amongst the group of friends that stood by me so supportively in my darkest hours. They are moving on with their lives; new jobs, weddings, and babies. Those things that are supposed to make someone happy but instead just make me sad.
Learning to live and breathe only for today, only for this instance, is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Tomorrow is another day, another challenge, another fight. Enjoy the moments in today and be as happy as you can be, because there’s enough pain in tomorrow.

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