I already warned you, and in case you didn’t read the
warning see it now (first blog post), that some things that will come up in
this blog might be depressing. This post just might end up that way.
I remember a time when tomorrow was filled with excitement.
It wasn’t all that long ago. Just shy of three months now, (God has it really
been that long?). When tomorrow meant picking paint colors, turning in loan
papers and spending time snuggled up on the couch or in bed watching My Name is
Earl and King of the Hill reruns. But that was before November 15th.
Before the accident. Before my life was shattered.
I recall standing by the grave and saying I wanted no more
tomorrows. There just would never be a happy day without him. Not tomorrow.
But that was a lot of yesterday’s ago. Too many and yet
there are still too many to come. I try not to think of where I’m supposed to
be, in a trailer on a nice little lot in Hadley Landing down by Fowler Lake and
just off the Illinois River. I try not to think that I wouldn’t be up writing
this right now but I would be curled up next to him, engagement ring on my
hand. I try not to think about how happy I’m supposed to be.
This weekend while standing in the local bar and having a
blue moment a friend wrapped her arm around me and said “You know what I told
you. We just think about today and pray for tomorrow.”
It sounds simple enough. Don’t think ahead, as I have been
trying so hard not to do, just live for the moment and pray for the next. That’s
the only way to get through when you got to dig in your heels and level off
with the world.
Things have started to even back out amongst the group of
friends that stood by me so supportively in my darkest hours. They are moving
on with their lives; new jobs, weddings, and babies. Those things that are
supposed to make someone happy but instead just make me sad.
Learning to live and breathe only for today, only for this
instance, is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Tomorrow is
another day, another challenge, another fight. Enjoy the moments in today and
be as happy as you can be, because there’s enough pain in tomorrow.
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